i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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