i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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