Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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