Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
