Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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