am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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