I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
