if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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