I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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