Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
