I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
