I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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