My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
