and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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