farters have to be the big spoon...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
