RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
