I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
