The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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