I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
