guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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