mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
