Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
