i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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