Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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