i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
