I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
