Do you still have your period?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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