2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
