I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
