Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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