two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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