so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
