Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
