fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
