last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
