Nicole vs. Life
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Randomize
