When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh god it's open bar.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
