eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
