I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
