I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
