Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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