this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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