??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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