The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
