Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
