hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
