Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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