After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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