I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
