Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
