Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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