he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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