Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
